I don't know if you ever fully heal from losing someone so close to you. You learn to accept it and move on, but I feel like the hurt can still haunt you. As time passes, it happens less often; from every day, to life events, to birthdays, holidays, and the anniversary of their passing. C.S. Lewis said "No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." Fear of living live without them, fear of forgetting the memories you had with them, fear of letting them down by moving on.
June 30, 2007 my grandfather, Lawrence K. Buck (Pampa) passed away. He was my everything. Growing up I was a middle child, and as such, by no ones fault, I often felt invisible. Being his only biological granddaughter, Pampa spoiled me. I rembmeber he took me out for my 3rd or 4th birthday to get my ears pierced at the Piercing Pagoda at Superstition Springs Mall. Not only did I get my first pair of earrings, but my first Diamonds. He always told me "diamonds are a girl's best friend."
Some of my best memories of my childhood has him in it. We had a garden in the front of the house I grew up in. Maintaining the garden was a project that belonged to us three kids and Pampa. Our favorite flowers to plant where Sunflowers, Hollyhocks, and Snap Dragons. Having a construction background, he taught us the value and fun of getting your hands dirty.
He joined the construction workforce very young, dropping out of high school to help put his siblings though school. He truly believed in the value of hard work. He 'retired' many times, but always ended up back to work. There was a running joke of "You retired this week Larry?" He always supported us with our schooling, constantly reminding us of the importance of it. That's why it was so hard for me that he wasn't there to see me graduate High School. No matter how much I struggled or wanted to give up, he gave me strength to finish school. I couldn't disappoint him. I know he would have been proud.
Whenever I do something, I always think of him. What would he do/say? Would it make him proud? With my Disney journey, I have felt him every step of the way, especially on days when I just wanted to give up. It's been 12 years, and he's just as important to me today as he was all those years ago. He still supports me, inspires me, and I can still feel his love for me.
He passed away just before I turned 15. Time is creeping up. It's getting to the point where he's been gone longer than he was a part of my life. That's the stem of my current pain. Being such an important part of my life, it's hard to think of all thethings yet to happen in my life that he won't be there for.
I suppose the reason I'm writing this post is completely selfish. I needed to get some of these thoughts out of my head. While doing so, I hope you have learned about this amazing human being who touched my life forever. He will always be in my heart and I will be forever grateful for the lessons he instilled in me growing up. I truly believe that even though our loved ones hare not physically here with us, they never go away. Their memory, their love, and so much more of them live on inside us; inside our hearts and inside of who we are. Even though he's been gone almost half my life, he still lives on. He's still a part of everything I do.
I love you Pampa. I miss you every day. Thank you for being such an inspiration in my live and helping set the brickwork for my life. See you later alligator.